That doesn’t mean he wants to be in a relationship with you.

I’ve worked with many men and women who put themselves on one or more of the online dating sites. I help them with their profiles and with the photos they post. We also talk about things to look for, “red flags,” when meeting someone. Here are just a few. I’ll add to this topic in future blogs:

1. Everyone should have a hobby of some sort, golf, painting, dance, marathon running, knitting, something they do because they really like doing it and they would do it whether or not anyone else was doing it with them. It’s impossible to run a marathon by oneself but it is possible to love running marathons so much that one would sign up for and train for marathons even if no one else did. Other things, like painting or writing, are definitely solo activities. If the person you meet doesn’t do something besides their work or parenting, something they do that they love doing, you can expect that person to think being in a relationship means being together 24/7, and I can’t think of a faster way to kill a relationship.

2.  Find out what you have in common but don’t push an exhaustive list on the person you’re meeting on the first or second meeting. Relax but find out. If you love children and he thinks dogs are the closest things to kids he ever wants in his life it’s probably not a match. If he loves sailing and you only love sailing in the Caribbean it’s probably not a match and so on.

3.  Well, there’s a lot more but what I want to focus on in this blog is the silly notion some women have about what sleeping with a man on the first, second, or third date means.

If a woman is attracted to a man, really attracted, and hopes this guy could be “the one,” she isn’t doing herself any favors by sleeping with him right away because he:

a. Wants her to and she thinks he’ll like her more and she’ll be able to “land” him by pleasing him.

b. Takes her to a bar and she drinks way too much thinking that she wants him to see her party animal side so he’ll know being with her is a real walk on the wild side and at the end of the night, to further this end, she just continues the party in his bed.

c. Thinks she’s supposed to or he won’t like her and won’t ask her out again.

d. Gives in because he’s going for it and she doesn’t want to hurt his feelings.

e. Gives in because she thinks everyone else does and hasn’t a clue as to when two people should have sex IF they are interested in a meaningful RELATIONSHIP. The answer to that one is easy, sleep with him when you’re sure you’ll wake up next to your friend and that’s the worst that can happen and, no, he’s not your friend because he bought you dinner and told you he’s never met anyone like you before, yawn.     

If you sleep with him (read “have sex” if you haven’t figured that out yet) for any of the reasons listed above and probably a few more I didn’t think of at the time of this writing, you probably will wind up being a “booty call,” that’s the best case scenario or you won’t hear from him again, that’s the worst case scenario if you were hoping for a real connection.

Men aren’t idiots. If they can charm you a little and have sex with you they’ll do it. That doesn’t mean they are or will fall in love with you so don’t hold it against them when they don’t. You were the dumb one if you thought sex before you even knew him was going to form a lasting attachment.

And here’s why:

1. If he has a mother he would actually like to introduce the woman of his dreams to her. He’s not going to introduce a barfly to his mother. He would also like to be proud of her when he introduces her to his family and the rest of his friends. He’s not going to be proud to introduce a woman who, if she slept with him right away, has probably slept with all seventy-five men she met on the dating site before she met him.

2. He’s not impressed by her tactics. They’re obvious and show that she has little or no self-respect. No self-respecting man is going to want to form a relationship with a woman whose self-esteem is below sea level.

3. She’ll bore him to death in a very short time and he knows it, unless of course, he decides to keep her on as a “booty call.”

4. He’d like to be able to carry on an intelligent conversation with her and drunk talk isn’t exactly intelligent and neither is a litany of gossip about her friends.

5. He wants to know she shares some interests with him so there’s something to do after they get out of bed and maybe even before they get into bed.

Remember high school? Well, keep remembering it because the same rules apply but, sorry guys, he’s not going to tell you that. He’s watching you. He wants to fall in love with you even if he falls in lust with you right away. Just like you, he’s looking for someone to share a life with and respect, trust, intelligence, friendship, and shared interests are all things he wants too.

Now, every guy you show this to is going to say I’m wrong unless you’re already in a relationship with him. If you don’t get it, read the above one more time.